Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Wrestling with God

The first 24 hours of this Journey were fast and furious.  I can honestly say that I knew from that first moment this wasn't gonna be good.  4 hours later I was at my doctor's office, 2 hours later I was having a mammogram and 2 hours after that an ultra sound.  When I walked out of there, I pretty much knew.  I saw with my own eyes the difference between the normal cysts and the lump. At 8 am the next morning I had the first of what would turn into a series of biopsies. (As I write this, I'm getting ready for my third in a month's time) The next day I got the official news. 

Naturally I had a rush of emotions.  Most of them were calm and logical - I'm like that.  I'm the rock.  I'm the one most people want to have around in these situations and emergencies.  Besides being calm, I have faith.  Faith in a God that is bigger than anything I could ever encounter or imagine.  I know He is with me, through everything.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I've had some of everything - most of us have.

I have had my moments too. 

God I LOVE YOU!  I can't wait to get to  heaven.  Heaven is awesome!
GOD I don't want to DIE!  Surely YOU are not done with me here yet!

That's an amazing wrestling match right there.  I mean as a christian I know I am going to heaven.  I want to go to heaven. This is NOT my home and just knowing that helps me get through some of the horrific things that go on nowadays.  However....  I'm in the middle of living out the life God has planned for me.  There are still loved ones that haven't come to know you yet as their Lord and Savior.  We've just begun pastoring a church and we're youth pastors for an awesome youth group, I'm sure God has some grandchildren planned and I've got two children who've yet to get married.  I'm The Ultimate Field Trip Coordinator, I've been mentoring a wonderful group of young ladies and... The list is endless of things I believe God wants me to be a part of, things HE has gifted me to do, and people HE wants me to influence for Him. 

And so I wrestled for a bit with these thoughts and others.

God are you punishing me?  And then I remembered Job - how God allowed Satan to sift him.

God am I going to live?  Should I keep working? What good did it do to give up PEPSI?  All of a sudden everything I normally did hung dangling in the air as if on tiny threads, just waiting to be snipped and plunge to the ground.  Every moment has a heaviness under it.  A seriousness.  IF these are to be MY last days, is THIS something I WANT to be doing?  Talk about looking at life under a microscope!

I prayed a lot about all these things.  I worshiped God in song.  I claimed God's promises over my life.  And God gave me confirmation.  And I started listening.  And then I felt God's Peace.  God's Love.  God's strength.  God's hope.  God's Healing.  

I know He wants me to "keep on keeping on".  To "Let my light shine before men, so that they might see HIS good works and give glory to my Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16  And that's exactly what I'm doing.  I'm going through..  believing God has healed me and knowing that HE never leaves me.  That HE will meet me right where I am at EVERY single moment.  

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